Entry 25.51

2026. Almost there. We just have a few more days of 2025. Some people relish the coming days. Others endure them. For some people that decision is made for them. For others, that decision is made by other choices they have made. For some, it is a direct choice. I’ll be honest growing up I enjoyed parts of the last week of the year. But I absolutely dreaded others. I don’t remember when that switch happened. I’m sitting here racking my brain trying to determine how old I was when I started to enjoy the holiday season less and less. I remember quite a bit of my childhood but there are definitely large holes in my memory. As I sat around with Shelby’s family over the weekend at various events, I marveled at how much they remember from decades ago. I just don’t have that ability. I used to. At one point in my life I could tell you what I had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner on that date the year prior. But that is no longer the case. I feel like a superhero who now knows what it feels like to be human. I’ve never been a physical specimen with strength, power and endurance of a Greek god. But I did have a skull that housed a brain with a memory like a steel trap and an overclocked super processor. Today, I can confirm I still have the skull. The rest? Not so much. But back to the actual conversation. I didn’t just marvel at how much these people remembered. It always is a shock to my system to be in a room full of loud people who see each other often but can still always find something to discuss. I just never feel like I have that much to talk about. In comparison with these people I feel more like a caveman who can manage to get out a few grunts every now and again to add absolutely nothing to the conversation. But I don’t feel left out. I don’t feel like these are Shelby’s family and friends and I’m just along for the ride. I feel like these are my family and friends too. Actually, I don’t just feel like that, I know that.

That’s not always the case for me. I feel like an outsider all the time. Part of that is by my own choosing. I’m quite the private person and I can’t tell you how much effort it takes me to allow you a peek inside my life when I write these Ponderings. I really don’t want to. But I have learned that just sitting down to write is so good for me. One, it clears my head. It gives me an outlet to just go bleh and let everything that looks like a massive knotted ball of rope, string, ribbon, twine, yard, thread inside my head start coming unwound. Some of it ends up on these pages. Quite a bit doesn’t. That particular end just isn’t ready to be pulled on yet. But every time I write I feel like that knotted ball gets a little looser. It doesn’t get any smaller that’s for sure. I just keep adding to it. That’s part of life. Writing doesn’t just clear my head and straighten out my thinking, it also is how I connect with people. The awkward shy kid that I was growing up never really went away. He’s still there inside me, walking to walk in the shadows on the outskirts of the group hoping no one will take notice. I know I used to like the attention, but again, I don’t remember when that changed. All I know is that it did. I know I used to be ok with the limelight. But at some point that changed. Now I am content to let the light shine elsewhere. As it should. There’s nothing special about me or what I’ve done. I’m not unique. I’m not the gift to the world that I thought I was. Life has made sure to make that clear to me time after time. And so rather than try to grab attention for myself, I’ve been content to be the one pointing the light on others. I sit in the darkness and watch the world going on around me and absolutely marvel at what other people can accomplish. People are truly amazing. All of you are absolutely amazing. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize that.

Like I said, I don’t remember when I started to shut the door to my life. I’m not saying that I went full hermit living in a cabin off the beaten trail using nature as my grocery store (although that does sound absolutely amazing!). Not on the outside at least. But on the inside, that’s what was going on. I’d see people coming and I’d find every excuse to not engage with them. I still do it sometimes. There’s just a line for me. I don’t know what makes up that line honestly. But it exists and I find myself turning a corner that wasn’t in the plans, or ducking back into a doorway until people pass. It’s a habit that I am trying hard to break. And I don’t know why, but these last few days of the year are when I find myself most challenged. One, I’m not at home. And even though I know better, I assume everyone else is just like me. So I won’t just duck into any room because I don’t want to intrude into their lives. Is there really any reason I don’t want you poking around all the rooms of my house? I have nothing to hide. But that’s my castle and I believe everyone needs a place to call their own. A space where you can go and you know it’s just for you. I know plenty of people who aren’t like that. But I am. For instance, there is a hallway in Shelby’s parents house that I had never been down before. And I’ve been going there for five years. This year they needed help taking their bed off the risers and so for the first time I ventured down that hallway. I discovered there’s a bedroom down there that I didn’t even know existed. This whole time when Shelby, her mom and sister were getting ready to go out I assumed that they were all crammed into her mom’s bathroom. Not the case. They legit have a room called “The Get Ready Room”. I felt like a Wal-Mart commercial. “Who knew? Who knew?”

But I’m not challenged just because I’m not home. I’m also challenged because I don’t enjoy the holidays. And I’m not talking about the ridiculous over-commercialization we face nowadays. There was a tipping point at some point in my life where all of a sudden, I didn’t enjoy it. Really wish I could pin down when it all changed for me. But anyway, it did. And it’s pretty simple for me to put my finger on why. It just felt fake. All of it. From the cleaning the house, to dressing up, to making a massive meal to giving gifts. To me, for the last part of the year, I was expected to be someone I wasn’t. I could go down the rabbit trail and blame it on Santa. I mean, for eleven months out of the year, I could be me. Then all of a sudden, I have to be someone else? Like only the last month of the year counted? If you know me well, I’m a casual dresser. I’m not a sloppy

So this is Christmas And what have you done? Another year over And a new one just begun And so this is Christmas I hope you have fun The near and the dear one The old and the young A very merry Christmas And a happy New Year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear And so this is Christmas For weak and for strong For rich and the poor ones The world is so wrong And so happy Christmas For black and for white For yellow and red ones Let's stop all the fight A very merry Christmas And a happy New Year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear And so this is Christmas And what have we done? Another year over And a new one just begun And so this is Christmas I hope you have fun The near and the dear one The old and the young A very merry Christmas And a happy New Year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear War is over over If you want it War is over Now