Entry 25.34

You never know when someone or something will come along that can absolutely change your life. One of the things that I count myself extremely blessed to be a part of is PGA HOPE Fayetteville. I have met so many wonderful veterans with the expectation that I am there to help them learn how to play golf better. Which I am. And I do. But more importantly, I am there to use golf to help them in the everyday non-golf part of their lives as well. Golf is such a powerful tool. And no matter how many veterans I work with at HOPE doing my best to give them as much as I can, I can’t keep up with them. They give back in abundance far above anything I could ever imagine. Not just with providing support, teaching me lessons, or giving back but also with their friendship. Shelby will tell you that I don’t like people. And I have never been very good at making friends. I say I don’t understand people. But I understand people much more than I let on to. And people are messy, and my life is a train wreck on its own without needing to add any more chaos. Let me clarify. I have a wonderful life. My demons continue to haunt me and some days it feels like I can barely keep them at bay. I have found it easier on myself to keep people at arm's length than it is to make friends and let them in. But I have veterans from our HOPE classes that I now count as close friends. Last fall’s PGA HOPE session gave me another close friend. And he introduced me to his friends who have also become part of my circle. This friend, whom I will call “the Hulk”, and I trade posts back and forth on Instagram almost every day. We also talk openly about our issues and how we are dealing with them. So, he is a close friend. When the Hulk asked if I had watched Ted Lasso, the answer no was quickly met with “You need to”. I told him I would add it to the list of shows. I only watch one new series at a time. I’m weird like that. I’m currently working through House M.D. House is someone that I can relate to. Probably way too much. Well, I should say I was working through that show. The Hulk recently sent me a clip from Ted Lasso which changed that. Because in the moment, the words that you are about to read caught my attention. Not just a little bit. I probably watched that short video seven or eight times back to back to back. Two days later, those words were more helpful than anything I have heard in a long time. Just because of the way life goes. We run into things that create havoc and after being emotional in the moment, those words eventually came back to me. Another gift from a friend I gained in HOPE, changing my life. How have I become so lucky?

For those of you who haven’t seen the scene, I will describe it for you the best that I can as I have not seen the scene in the context of the rest of the show as I am only two episodes in this point. Ted Lasso is at a local pub which is crowded. The owner of the Football Club that he manages is there as well as her smug ex-husband, Rupert, with his new flame. Ted clumsily throws a dart at a dartboard and Rupert asks if he likes darts. Ted replies he is more of a corn-hole man. Rupert asks if he wants to play a game for 10,000 pounds. Ted quips that is too rich for his blood. So, the bet is set at if Rupert wins, he gets to make the lineup for the last two games of the season. If Ted wins, Rupert stays away from the owner’s box. The owner of the club is very concerned about this bet. Rupert believes he can easily hustle Ted as he pulls a box of darts from his pocket saying he forgot they were there. Ted chimes back that he forgot he was left-handed as he hits a bullseye. The scene fast forwards to show Rupert has 10 points left while Ted has 170. That is where we will pick up the actual dialogue as found at https://lassoism.com/Ted-Lasso-quote.php?id=162.

Ted: Mae, what do I need to win?

Mae: Two triple-twenties and a bulls-eye.

Rupert: (laughs) Good luck.

Ted: You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said, “Be curious, not judgmental.” I like that.

(Throws a triple 20)

Ted: So I get back in my car and I’m driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me… who I was had nothing to do with it. ‘Cause if they were curious, they would’ve asked questions. You know? Questions like, “Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?”

(Throws another triple 20)

Ted: To which I would’ve answered, “Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten till I was 16, when he passed away.” Barbecue sauce.

(Throws a bulls-eye)

Ted: Good game, Rupert.

Let that sink in. I hope you understand how powerful that is. The scene is very well done. But the lesson isn’t just about being underestimated or overestimating people. You could see that the lesson is Don’t let what other people think about you control you, what they think doesn’t matter. The lesson could be What you think about other people can be more damaging (or constructive) than you might ever imagine. The lessons are numerous.

Now if you are an avid reader of my Ponderings (let there be at least one!), then you know that I strongly believe in the power of curiosity. Recently though, I have been looking at the power of judgment. Specifically, as it pertains to us judging ourselves. At some point, those of you who play golf have hit a bad shot and reacted to it. Whether it be a sound of disgust, a club slam (or throw), or a curse muttered under your breath or yelled out loud. You all know exactly what I’m talking about. When you do that, you have passed judgment on yourself. You have told yourself that your performance was not satisfactory. I’m not here to tell you that you need to “Hunt the good stuff”. That’s just about as helpful as the phrase “A bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work.” Does absolutely nothing. At least in my brain. When someone says that, especially if I’m the one playing poorly, it does nothing but make me even more frustrated. More stressed. And so, I bring back Timothy Gallwey’s quote from last week that I ended with. “Freedom from stress does not necessarily involve giving up anything, but rather being able to let go of anything, when necessary, and know that one will still be alright. It comes from being more independent – not necessarily more solitary, but more reliant on one’s own inner resources” (The Inner Game of Tennis). Hitting a bad shot is stressful. The worse the shot, the more stress it brings. The timing of a bad shot can make it even more stressful. But why? Gallwey gave us the answer earlier. When the conscious control in your brain senses that something is going wrong, it feels threatened. When we are threatened, we do our best to get back in control to make the threat go away. We grab onto whatever we can to give us a sense of normalcy. Stress makes us lash out. How do we free ourselves from stress? We have to be able to give up anything. I don’t think giving up material “things” is what matters most of the time. It is being able to give up intangibles. Giving up your pride, your expectations, your ego. Letting go of things instead of clawing back to hold on to them with a death grip. I’m not saying become a monk, take vows, and then move to a mountain top far away looking for enlightenment. But I am saying to work on being secure in yourself. That no matter how chaotic your outer world gets, you know internally, you are at peace. That’s what Gallwey means. The Army requires every soldier to take resiliency training every year. The Army understands that life can be extremely stressful on the outside, but having an inner calm is vital to reaching your potential. To be at peace with one’s self, you have to stop judging yourself.

If we aren’t supposed to judge ourselves after a bad shot, what are we supposed to do? Be objective. A judgment is subjective. What you think of as a bad shot, another player would be happy to have. Everyone sees it differently. I learned this lesson a few years ago from another assistant. At first, I thought he was just hunting the good stuff. Eventually I realized he wasn’t doing that; he was just being objective. It was always the same shot. For a little guy, he had speed. But when that speed was misdirected and the ball went into the woods off the tee shot, he always had the same response. “Hit it good!” Eventually, I started doing it too. At first, when I thought it was about finding the good in the situation, it really didn’t help. When I started being objective and just stated the facts, it started to help. I started doing it in other parts of my game. Then I started doing it in other parts of my life. Guess what?! It works there too! When you want to judge yourself, be curious. Ask questions. Then answer them. Not subjectively. Objectively. Just the facts. Like if you asked another person what they thought, they would agree one hundred times out of a hundred. The facts are the facts. Hit it to the right? That ball went right. Slam a putt by the hole ten feet? Hit that too hard. I’m not saying that it is going to be easy in the beginning. Creating a new habit never is. But it’s worth it. On course lessons are never the same. What one player needs is very different from another. There can be similar strains in those lessons, but I have one constant. It used to be “Ask questions and then answer them objectively.” Now I have something simpler. More concise. It wasn’t until the last couple of months that I connected objective answers with judgment. Gallwey helped me truly understand why the two of them are linked together.

Sometimes timing is everything. How does it just happen that as I’m looking into the pitfall of judging yourself that a post pops up on a friend’s Instagram story that points me to Timothy Gallwey and The Inner Game of Tennis? Then to make it even more interesting a friend shares a video of an Apple TV series that brings it all together? I would say highly improbable, yet possible. Then to make the timing of it all working out that my friend sent me that video two days before a time where I would really need to hear that message? We are basically down to zero at this point. But it gets even more complicated. Because I didn’t even know the Hulk a year ago, yet today he is someone who I listen to because I know he understands the difficulties that we both face every day. So, thank you Hulk. Not for telling me to watch Ted Lasso, but for giving me a message that I needed to hear. That message doesn’t just work in everyday life though. It works on the golf course too. So next time you fall into your specific trap on the golf course, don’t flip out. Ask questions. Answer objectively. That is being more independent, more reliant on your inner resources, which brings freedom from stress. As Walt Whitman said (disputed by the way) “Be curious, not judgmental.”