Entry 24.11

Success. We all have a different definition for it, no matter what the dictionary says. “The accomplishment of an aim or purpose” is just so vague in my opinion. And I guess it must be for the dictionary definition to fit all of us. We all have our own “aims” or “purpose” but from now on I’m going to use the terms “goals” and “dreams”. While I could go on about the all the different successes we could experience in life, I’m going to keep them golf focused for the sake of keeping this entry short. Even keeping it within golf if I talked about all the different possibilities, I probably could write for the next year and never even get close to exploring all the possibilities.

But with success, there is the other side of the coin, failure. Now, we have to be very careful about how we define failure. The dictionary calls failure “a lack of success” or “the omission of expected or required action”. To me that is very black and white. You either succeeded or you didn’t. In the lens of life though, failure resides in the gray area, not at the end of the spectrum. It’s taken me a long time to come to that realization and I think it will be something that I continue to fight and keep there for the rest of my life. I am a very black and white person. I have always felt that way. Something inside me just says I MUST be perfect in every little thing that I do. I constantly strive for perfection. And I constantly fail. But 38 years into life, I am finally seeing that even in failure there is success and a lot of it.

Why this topic this week? Because over the weekend a lot of golf was being played by you, the students of the Methodist University PGM program. For some of you, it was qualifying. For others, it was for love of the game. And for yet others, it was the PAT. O, the dreaded PAT. Well for some of you, it was and for other it still is. For some of you, the word dread wasn’t even in your vocabulary when you thought about the PAT. But even if that was you, don’t stop reading. Those of you who seemed to breeze through the PAT and be one and done, congratulations. But I know that golf isn’t always that easy to be successful at for you because you have higher goals for your game. For those of you who passed this weekend, congratulations. You did it. You have achieved one more of many necessary steps in your journey to becoming a PGA Professional. For those of you who came up short this weekend, congratulations. I know, you are going “WAIT! WHAT?! I failed”. Yes, that is one way to look at it. But let’s take a step back and look at it again.

I can’t say that I have taken the most PATs ever, but I sure took a lot of them. I was so close to passing my first one. Through 27 holes, I was golden. The end was in sight. I only had 9 holes to go. Then I beat myself. I could blame it on other things sure. That would be too easy. Making the turn on that second round, one of my two playing partners had just pushed himself out of reach of passing and so he just stopped caring. The other one? He was so far gone; I think the only reason he didn’t stop playing was out of pride. Hole 11 at Onion Creek Golf Club isn’t a long par 3 by any stretch but you do have to carry water. That second playing partner, he dunked ball after ball and finally ended up making a 17 on that hole. If that doesn’t take the wind out of your sails during a round of golf, you are much stronger mentally that I was. I allowed my focus to wander to that player instead of keeping it on myself and the task I had in front of me. And so, I didn’t pass. Looking at the big picture, yes, I failed. And if I had been a little wiser, I probably would’ve learned a lot more that I did. Then through 6 PATs Downback, I did the same thing. I didn’t pass and didn’t learn as much as I should have. So, I did the “smart” thing. I went and took a PAT at Lonnie Poole. My caddie said he had never seen me hit the ball so well. He also said he had never seen me putt so terribly. But that was the one. The one that I finally started to learn from. I finally started to get it, but I had dug myself into this pit of failure so far, it was going to take time for me to get out. The next PAT at Downback I was standing on 18 tee and just needed to make par. I made bogey and failed by one. My next PAT, my caddie and I did the math really quick as we walked to 18 tee and believed I needed to make birdie to pass. I made birdie. Then we did the math, and I needed to hole out. I failed by one again. But I was gaining traction. I was on my way out of the pit of despair. That summer I did two things. I finally put it together in my head that if I was going to play better golf, I had to play golf. Besides warming up, I only went to the range twice. Once because something was off, and once because it was so good I wanted to capture that feeling. I broke golf down to its most basic form. Hit the ball, go find it and hit it again until the ball goes in the hole. I stopped worrying about fairways and greens and focused on the most efficient way to get the ball in the hole. The second thing I did was read a book by Bob Rotella. For those of you who don’t know who Bob Rotella is, he is one of the world’s leading sports psychologists. He’s worked with a ton of athletes from a variety of sports. The book is short, an easy read and I credit my ability to pass that PAT to reading it. Because there were still bumps in the road.

I was in the first group that PAT and was playing well when I got to number 4. Now my favorite hole Downback, for a long time, number 4 punished me. But I had been practicing that tee shot all semester long to make sure I could start myself of well. As I crested number 3 to head down to the teeing area, I noticed the tees were not in the normal spot for the PAT. They were on the back tees. Remember, I had taken quite a few PATs Downback up to that point, so I figured a mistake had been made. So, I called the Head Pro, Alex, to let him know. The first time I called, he rejected my call. I called back and he picked up. I told him what I was seeing, and he said the words I didn’t want to hear “I changed it this semester. They are supposed to be back there.” Gulp. All the practice I had been doing on that tee, gone to waste. At least in the moment, that’s what I thought. Which means I had to pull the club that at the time scared me to death, driver. Now if you know me, I love to hit driver. That all started after the PAT. Because at the time I was hitting a hook. I knew I couldn’t start my driver far enough to the right and still have it land somewhere in play. But I had to make it happen. I remembered what I had read in Dr. Rotella’s book, stepped up to the tee and hit my tee ball. It started right down the middle… and hooked into the penalty area. But I kept my focus. I was going to find my ball (or drop), hit it again and just keep doing so. Somehow my ball ended up only a few feet into the penalty area, so I punched it out, took my medicine and made bogey.

That bogey was huge for me. That momentum carried me to number 12 where I basically topped my tee shot and made double. But I had finally won the battle. I was making conscious decisions that were positive in nature, no matter the outcome. The I got to the last four holes. I truly believe that the first 5 holes and the last 4 holes Downback are where good rounds go to die. At least for me that was the truth. But now I was armed with one of the most dangerous weapons a person can have. Control over him or her self. I made birdie on 15, three putted 16 to make double, then birdied 17. It was a bounce back birdie because I had nothing to bounce back from. I didn’t allow that double to control me. The outcome didn’t matter. I was in control. I don’t think I will ever forget my tee shot on 18. Beautiful little 8 iron draw that landed right at the flag. The other players and caddies were pumped up because there was a chance that ball went in the hole. I knew it too. But I stayed in control. If it wasn’t in the hole, the job wasn’t done. I had to go find it and hit it again until it was in the bottom of the cup. I found it, somewhere around six inches short of the hole. I made the putt.

Man, did I have some questions for Alex when I saw him about number 4. He explained his reasoning and I understood it. But boy, a little heads up might have been nice. The next day, I started out well but this time I knew what was waiting for me on number 4. But I was still in control. I teed up my ball and watched it start right down the right edge of the trees… hooking into the penalty area the whole way. Miraculously, my ball again was only a few feet into the penalty area. Call it what you will. Fate was smiling or the gods were rewarding me for finally becoming the player I should be. Again, I took my medicine and made bogey. This time my trials came on my way to number 9. We met up with a senior who was on her final internship but still needed to pass the PAT as she made her way to number 11. And she was hurting. She didn’t have a caddie, and it was HOT. My caddie turned to me and told me he was going to help her out and that he would meet back up with me when she finished. Who does that?! Holden Lee does. (While for a second, I felt lost, looking back I am so proud of Holden and the person he is. A great human being with a big heart. We need more Holdens on this earth.) That second of lost feeling without my caddie and support was soon swallowed up by my sense of control. I played well until I arrived back on the meat grinder. 4 holes to go and I was well on my way to passing. But I wasn’t done yet. Long story short, I made par on 15 and birdied 16 and 17 (where Holden met back up with me). As I stepped up to 18, I was told just to hit the shot I had hit the day before. Again, like I was on repeat, I hit a shot that landed right at the pin and the cheers went up. Another possibility for my first hole in one. But my job wasn’t done. As we crested the hill, again we saw my ball just short of the hole. I think if we had taken a picture the day before, we would have seen the ball was sitting on the same exact blades of grass. Holden congratulated me on passing, but my job wasn’t done until the ball was in the hole. I made the putt.

So, why the story? Sure, it contains both failure and success. It shows a journey of growth. But it also contains hope. If I can do it, you can do it. But the real story lies in the gray area if I had been wise enough to see it. If I hadn’t measured success and failure by just the total score, but by each small battle that I had won along the way. At the end of all those PATs, the number of successes would far outweigh the failures. But it took me so long to see that. But when it did it, did my game change. Not that I have become a star player, but that when I play golf, I am in control. Do I always score well? No. But do I allow those little failures to control me? Nope. Because every failure always includes some measure of success. I won’t say never, because it is a constant battle. Some psychologists believe that our brains are hardwired to see the negative. It is up to us, to take control and see the positive. To see the successes in the failures. Never allow someone or something to live rent free in your head. Be in control. It is a decision. It is your decision to make. And it is a long hard war that will never end. Even the best players in the world struggle with this. I recently watched a podcast where Rory McIlroy said it took him around a decade, 10 YEARS of playing professional golf until he finally realized that his score at the end of the day didn’t define who he was. He said his key to this breakthrough was realizing that golf was not the end all be all and that he needed something else to keep him grounded. It’s time for you to make your decision. Who or what is in control of defining success and failure for you? Control of one’s self is one of the most powerful forces on earth and once you have it, will let you go far beyond your wildest dreams or goals.